Scattered

Attempting to organize all the different bodies of work I do is a mess. I find myself doing and redoing; wasting time trying to make different projects make sense together. The only connecting line is me. I create and create and create to what end? For what purpose? To confuse myself and stress myself out? The only fruit this scattering of creativity creates is tension inside me. And, at the same time, I’m in awe at where this creative flow of ideas come from. They seem to drop in from nowhere like a gift, and I can’t help but honor them.

But, years of this has left a parade of half-baked children’s books, abandoned artistic career paths, a closet full of incohesive paintings, website after website after website……It’s exhausting. I find myself asking what is better? Not creating because you know it will end in a half Life, or giving it partial Life. Like an aborted fetus. Are those the only two choices after decades of the same results? In this world, success comes from consistency. But what if you are made of chaos? And what if it is through this open channel of movement where the ideas slip in?

I find myself wondering what is wrong with me. Maybe it is in the way I measure success. Maybe it is my relationship with success? Maybe it is the busy-ness I feel all around me? Is it perfectionism at it’s worst? Maybe it is the quickening of time. Maybe I need to take a break.