It’s All in the Name
The world had named me. It told me who I was, how I was supposed to act, how I should look, what I should wear, things I should say. It praised me, punished me, loved me, & shamed me. It told me which parts of myself were good and which were bad. I came into adulthood confused, which I believe is true for many of us. I began working to strip off the layers, the protective walls, that I had built up over the years. Each construct that had been built into my system began to bubble to the surface. One by one, I walked through each wave of impurity and untruth. And, one by one, I released them. It has been years and years of sifting through the muck. But, I have come to a point where it feels as if many of the masks I had put on to keep myself safe in this chaotic world have evaporated. Like water being purified by fire.
And I renamed myself, Kawa Yoda. River of Wisdom. River of Life. I baptised myself as a new woman, as the woman I was authentically meant to be. It is freeing to leave all judgement behind - judgement that comes from the world but even more potently from oneself. At times, the lovely me I had been for years, still comes to me frantic and scared - fearing vulnerability. She still wonders what ‘they’ will think of her. I sit with her and quietly listen to her fears. I often cry with her. And when she is done pouring herself out, I hug her and tell her I love her. Every single part of her. Then I wrap her in a blanket and stroke her hair as she falls asleep by the warm fire. And in the morning, she is gone.
I have a secret Life with the Universe. And, it told me to be intentional about it. I’m still unsure what exactly that means, but I have begun to feel that maybe what I am experiencing may resonate or inspire others. Maybe what I am is common and we all carry these secret lives within us. Fearful of expressing them authentically because the world may judge us. Letting that fear fall away is not easy. But, I have found this safe corner beyond my many notebooks of writings to express myself. And if someone happens to come across these words, and wants to come back for more, Here I Am.